Day in and day out, couples quarrel and get upset about many different things without getting anywhere: either no decision is taken at all or one person gets his or her way through a power struggle. The result is that both are unhappy or uncomfortable. The real issue is not what started the disagreement, but rather the inability to communicate clearly or adequately.
Communication is the cornerstone of a marriage. It reinforces trust, allows the partners to grow as individuals and acts as a method by which you can share your problems, frustrations, fears, hopes and successes with the person who should be your best friend – your spouse.
Women usually have no trouble talking to other women, nor do men have a problem talking to other men. So why is there a communication dilemma between men and women? Experts say this is simply because they communicate differently.
Communicating Differently
According to many experts, men communicate to exchange information: the content is what is important. They talk about things – business, sports, and food – rather than people. They convey facts, not details. They are goal-oriented. They focus on solving problems and are less likely to ask for help or directions. Men compete. Women on the other hand, talk to build rapport and intimacy. They talk about people, convey feelings and details, and are relationship oriented. They are quicker to ask for, and accept, help or directions. Women cooperate. Men bond with others through shared tasks and activities, like playing sports, while women bond through talking.
Our culture also plays a vital role in why men and women are different, because society’s tolerance of certain behavior differs according to sex. For example, parents often give their children the message that it is okay for boys to yell and girls to cry, but not the opposite. This is because in our society, males are seen as aggressive, independent and objective, so many people consider it more acceptable for men to show anger and aggression, while females are seen as submissive, dependent and less logical. These expectations and values are taught to children and are used in raising them, thus resulting in men and women who, of course, meet the expectations. Males are discouraged from expressing other feelings and therefore may be less skilled than females at some types of communication.
The way men and women deal with problems is also very different. Men tend to withdraw when they are under stress, because they have been raised to believe that they need to be independent and capable and therefore feel they should solve their own problems. Women under stress talk, for two reasons: firstly, they bond through sharing feelings and problems, and secondly, they are more verbal, so talking about issues helps them to process and understand them.
Speaking the Same Language
These differences, among others, contribute to the ongoing communication problem between men and women: they simply speak different languages. In order to communicate effectively with our partners, we need to understand their language. Many daily situations take place that may result in miscommunications. For example, if a wife asks her husband how his day at work was and is met with a short and abrupt reply that it was ‘fine’, she should understand that just because her husband isn’t describing his day in detail, it doesn’t mean he loves her any less. This is just the way men communicate: they give results, not details.
On the other hand, sometimes the husband may not understand his wife’s needs. For example, he may get upset because he feels she talks on the phone too much. The husband should understand that his wife talks to build intimacy and for support. This is how women build relationships with others. Men usually have short conversations because they exchange facts and then have nothing more to say. Women talk longer because they go into detail and discuss problems and feelings. A similar situation can occur when the Hisis wife starts telling him about all the problems of her day in detail. A husband generally doesn’t like this that his wife needs to talk, because this is how women solve problems. She should understand that he needs some peace and quiet, and he doesn’t want to hear about the problems right now. If they are important, he just wants the bottom line, not all the details.
When you are aware of how men and women communicate differently, it helps you understand your partner better and also helps you explain your own perspective when your partner doesn’t understand you. Because of your differences, it is normal that your partner might not understand you sometimes. Keeping this in mind is very crucial so you don’t fall into the trap of accusing your partner of not being sensitive to you or not caring.
Men and women are different, but different is good, and different does not mean that one sex is better than the other or that one sex is right all the time and the other is wrong. With awareness and effort, we can speak each other’s language.
Getting Along!
1. You are two unique individuals. Besides the differences between men and women, one reason couples have a hard time communicating, especially in the beginning of their marriage, is that they are simply different people. Each partner comes into the marriage with his or her own “baggage,” including the person’s background, beliefs, education, lifestyle, etc. No two people are exactly the same. Pre-marital counseling is recommended when you are getting to know each other or while engaged, so that communication issues and relationship dynamics can be discussed. Since few marriage counselors are available in Egypt, this is not an option for most people, but at the very least, couples (both engaged and married) should spend time talking honestly about themselves and their lives.
2. Marriage is not supposed to be a power struggle. Partnership is about sharing, caring and supporting so try to understand your partner by listening to what he or she says without judging or evaluating. Marriages are most successful when there is an equal balance of power in the relationship. This includes an equal balance in decision-making.
3. Timing is important. Think about when and how to start discussing a topic of disagreement with your partner. After a hectic day, for example, is probably not the most appropriate time. Also, avoid discussing sensitive issues when either you or your partner is angry or upset. Wait until you are both calm.
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